THE UNMUTUAL PRISONER ARTICLE ARCHIVE
"LOST FICTIONAL EPISODES", By Andrew Hunt
If only there were more episodes made of our favourite show. Due to the flim wiping conducted at the BBC during the economising era, these (fictitious) episodes were junked; well it's probably for the better...
Patrick Macnee is Number Two and Joanna Lumley is Purdey Stone as Number Zero and Jennifer Saunders is Eddy as Number Negative One. The Two Pat Macs battle it out in the best display of British Spy Sixties Telly ever seen while Zero and Negative One are happy and refuse to leave the Village. They love being waited on and the drugging and the lava lamps and have no interest in who Number One is but would rather know who the village decorator is. They think that Rover is just the "bomb" and enjoy partying with him. With Steed and the Butler; it looks like Macnee and Mini-nee. Guaranteed you'll get your fill of boulder hat in this episode, like an hour of Ab-Fab in a moving Magritte painting.
B, C & U
A sequel to A, B & C. Only this time they use the drug "U" on Number Six. Based on "Confessions of an Opium Eater" (1962) and it features a dream sequence by Salvador Dali including lots of really psychedelic footage that only a wild, Sixties, LSD trip could afford. And that great party music during the "It's a dreamy party" sequence.
Ricardo Montalban takes over as the New Number Two and brings his own butler Ta-Two who is seen at the beginning of the episode at the top of the bell tower shouting "De Plane...De Plane" but of course, there was no plane and Number Six had already been up there in his regular daily routine. Over breakfast, Number Two makes Number Six a Maxwell House Coffee TM (with apologies) and tells him "it's good to the last drop". And then Number Six disagrees and spits it out saying, "this is the worst coffee I've ever tasted" but passes out and drops to the floor. As he is in a trance, Number Two asks him “What is your fantasy?” Number Six answers, “To get out of this place, silly!”
John Cleese is Basil Fawlty as the New Number Two. Much of the episode is spent with his sheer impatience with the incompetency of the Village and the continual technical glitches with the equipment in the control room, expressed by his tantrums. As he is lividly freaking out until the red phone rings and he answers pretending that nothing is going wrong, while making his usual slips of the tongue. When in the control room he is constantly getting hit in the head by the seesaw cameras. He insisted on calling the Butler "Manuel" accidentally stepping on him several times when he does his silly walk, smacking him on the head and even setting him on fire. When Number Six outwits him which wasn't hard, Number Two cracks at the end. It is the performance of his career, you would swear that he really did have an aneurism on camera.
A supplement to Many Happy Returns, our Number Six winds up on Gilligan's Island. Success turns to failure as all attempts to get off the island are sabotaged by Number Six's paranoia. The professor builds a balloon out of a rubber tree that Number Six mistakes for Rover so he freaks out and sets it on fire. Number Six smashes their radio when he finds that The Prisoner is being radio broadcast. One positive successful contribution that he secured for these folks was that he organized an actors' strike with the Professor and Mary-Ann getting them to say "We are not 'The Rest;' we are free persons.” An ape that Gilligan has made friends with is discovered to be an impostor as Number Six rips off the mask to reveal....
It's Your Physical
Olivia Newton-John as Number Two determines that The Village seems to be rife with obesity. Even Rover agrees with her that he, himself could shed some hot air. So Number Two devises a plan.
The next morning The Village Voice announces "Good Morning, Good Morning, Good Morning. Rise and Shine, Get Up, Move it or lose it. Please note that the local taxi service is now out of commission. Feet are For Walking. The General Store and the Cat and Mouse will be closed until further notice." Please be advised that these changes were Number Six's Idea. Calesthetics Class will begin in fifteen minutes. And of course there is always a chance of showers, later (just to cover my butt).
The Village is appalled and goes ballistic by being deprived of their creature comforts and unite to form a riot outside of Number Six's residence. Number Six, waken by the row must make the run for his life as the angry Village and Rover stampede him. He eventually outruns them all since they are such an unfit bunch of lazies. Rover couldn't even fit through the door. Number Two is actually the only one fit enough in the village to be able to catch up with Number Six and overtakes him, asking, "Why did you resign?" Out of breath and due to utter exhaustion he trips over an obstacle. He wakes up to finds that he is actually face down on a treadmill and that steroids were put in his tea the night before. Number Two succeeds in creating a leaner meaner Village, although not in finding out why Number Six resigned.
Living In Maher-mony
This is an edit that includes enough Frank Maher outtakes to fill an entire sixty minutes.
Survivor - Portmeirion
In a bit of a twist, Jeff Probst actually takes the role as Number Six and takes his show to the Village. Sixteen people battle it out to Outunmutual, Outindividuate and Outnumber in a competitioin to break him in order to find out why he resigned. All Sixteen of the Number Twos try everything and those who fail get voted off. They are forced to do such things as Kosho Kompetitions, eating cans of Village Food 'yuck'. At first one must win the Unmutuality Challenge to be the Number Two for that episode. In the final ten minutes contestants go before the Committee Council and they are voted off. Episode Sixteen of this series (one short of the original) is when the winner goes before the Community Delegates in the white gowns and ying-yang masks in honour of the winner where they give out the prizes. One thing about this show; It's a Knockout!
Christmas in The Village
The Lost Christmas Episode was a complete disaster. The Village is all done up beautifully with lights and everything. Rover divides himself and parades around the Village as Frosty the Snowman. Number Two is trying to snow the Village by calling it a holiday and punishing everyone who uses the word "Christmas". Number Two Turtle Doves takes Number Six Geese a Layin' through the ghost of Number Six's past, present and future to determine why he resigned. Number Six wakes up the next morning with a changed heart and finds the Butler outside his residence and gives him some units to buy a goose from the Village Store and send it to Number Two's residence. Like in Shinda Shima, the last episode of Danger Man, it featured the same Christmas Carol as at the end the entire cast sings The Twelve Days of Christmas. Man it's nauseating! Bahhumbugging You! Goodnight to children everywhere and God bless us everyone.
The same episode as McGooligan's Island only there is a scene where Number Six is using a triquetrum to locate where the Island is and finds that it reads that they are in Antarctica so he scraps the idea. You never can get accuracy with these things!
Island: The Sequel
...Only to reveal that it actually is a gorilla underneath the mask, darn, foiled again. Number Six builds a raft but has no way to power the motor that the Professor built it since he dumped out all the oil out of the barrels that washed ashore a few days before. Oh...McGooligan, you messed up, again!
For All Of Me
Steve Martin and Lily Tomlin are the New Number Twos. They decide to hook up to the SELTZMAN MachineTM and *zap* You've got two comedians inside Number Six. Don't even bother to shave...it's too much trouble. Then an open mike in the Village for funniest person called Who's Line is it Anyway. Figuring that comedy and improvisation will pressure Number Six into telling the reason why he resigned and to the whole
Village Live. Lots of laughs. You'll hear lines like Six talking to himself asking "Is this the party to whom I am
speaking?" "I'm just a wild and carrrazzy guy!"
A spoiler here is that the Butler wins when he does his rendition of "Silence is Golden"
Theme Song is "Who Are You?" by The Who, of course, who else?
The Girl Who Was Death, Who Then Became The Girl Who Was Life After Death, Who Then Became The Girl Who Was Death After Life After Death, Who Then Became The Girl Who Was Death And Life Concurrently, Who Then Became The Girl Who Was Mutually Exclusively Death And Death, Who Then Became The Girl Who Was Life During Death Simultaneously, Who Then Became The Girl Who Was Death Momentarily, Then Life, Then Death As It Might Happen In A Shakespearean Tragedy, Who Then Became The Girl Who Led Three Lives, Who Then Became The Girl Who Was, By Happenstance, The Boy Who Was Death And Life, Coincidently Who Became the Girl Who Would Become Life, Who Became The Man Who Dressed As The Woman Who Was Life Who Became The Boy Who Liked Death Of A Salesman, Who Became Transformed Into The Bionic Woman, Who Then Became...
Who needs a SELTZMAN MachineTM when you have Shirley MacLaine as her all her former lives and lives to come as the New Number Two?
Wakes up one day to find himself married to Janet. Where Am I? In the Marriage. Whose Side Are You On? After returning to London from Fall Out, Number Six marries Janet and gets divorced. Then the "inquisition" begins all over again by Dr. Phil as the New Number Two."Why did you resign this marriage?"
While Number Six is in the shower in his cottage, he is abducted by drug lords. They figure since he's had the most frequent "flyer" points as a user, he knows where the Village dealer is but Number Six eventually manages to convince them that he is an involuntary user and that they have the wrong man.
Longshanks escapes through the sewer system. Later on they find him again due to the sickness he gets from the sewer. Of course, like in some episodes, he spends half the episode on a gurney coughing. A clipboard at the end of his bed reveals that he has either Hepatitius A, B or C. Great pair of shoes, though.
The Village goes bowling, you should see the really money striped bowling shirts worn by Villagers. Someone has planted a bomb inside Michael Moore's as the New Number Two's ball that could go off at any second. The Villagers all play on rota, even Rover has a go. On the final round it's Six against Two. Strike after strike and near perfect score, in the final frame, Six grabs Two's ball whips it down the aisle and just in time as it explodes. Number Two inquires, "Thanks for saving my life but why me?" Number Six tells him, "I actually hate your documentaries but I spared you now due to the fact that a lot of innocent people would be blamed for your death. Buy Now Pay Later".
Change of Blinds
Changing Rooms host Carol Smillie is the New Number Two, swaps residences Number Six in order to redecorate them. Number Two uses this opportunity to rip his cottage upside-down for any hidden reason for his resignation that might be found while having the chance to show off her creative flair. Number Six splurges on door knob fittings and other unnecessary hardware in the Green Dome. He paints all the phones different colours to confuse Number Two. Number Two cheaps out on converting an old barbecue that was turfed by one of the Villagers into a globe chair; yes The Village recycles. She replaces that plant that was dying-back near the desk with an actual "plant". Number Two also replaces those gawdy Venetian blinds that Number Six keeps opening each episode with. The two of them are blindfolded (as it was the standard procedure in The Schizoid Man) and return to their residences for the unveiling. Number Six goes grossly over budget due to his refined tastes and therefore loses. Number Two is impressed with her new pad but disappointed because he still didn't tell of his reason for resigning, however, it was clearly written on the "new material only" tags of the mattrasses that Number Two ripped off and destroyed.
and the City
Sarah Jessica Parker as the New Number Two gives Number Six a job as a columnist for the Tally Ho. She hopes that getting him to write some beaux mots about his alleged sex life will cause a Freudian slip that will be the key to revealing his resignation. He sits journaling with typewriter on bed."All work and no play makes me a very unhappy man" over and over again.
It All About, Alfie?
Michael Caine as Alfie as the New Number Two goes about womanising the Villagers. He narrates into concealed cameras "Now, I know what you're thinking, but I had to give it to her. Number Thirty-Eight, now she's a hot number." He completely forgets why he is there and as more women report sexual harassment before the committee, he is replaced. At the end of the episode, the former Number Two is the single washed up playboy walking hopelessly, aimlessly along the beach as the song "What's It All About" is in the background.
For.God; When is He Going to Tell Us Why He Resigned, Already?!
It is forty years later and Number Six is still in the Village. He has been relocated to "old people's home," He
finds himself in comfortable, familiar quarters since he played chess there everyday. It is run by Waiting For God's Harvey Baines as the New Number Two and his dear but spineless assistant Jane Edwards. Jane merely has to look at Number Six make bumbling attempts to break Number Six, like having the cafeteria staff switch to disposable cutlery; Number Six is moved in next door to Diana Trent who is his observer. After forty years of truth serums there's bound to be terminal side-effects. Number Six finds himself talking ad-nauseum about fighting in wars that never occurred and realizing that he has come to the pathetic state; the very thing that he thought would never happen to him. Punchy and Clever, Number Two comes close to finding out why he resigned, taking advantage of his present senility. Lots of charming scenes and witty dialogue as the two are so evenly matched. Number Two fails but is promoted because he saved a lot in operating expenses of the Village's old people's home.
Alex Trebek is the New Number Two who hosts an in-Village edition of the show Jeopardy. The whole Village is succumbed to a crash course in all categories of knowledge, Number Six is eventually forced to join the show and racks up points clearing complete categories. When final jeopardy round is up he scribbles WHY on his card and places it in the box. The wall explodes.
Syn: Medicine Woman
A very sick Number Six posing as the new parish priest shows up in Colorado Springs and is subjected under the care of the New Number Two played by Jane Seymour as Dr. Mike. The town is plagued with men being forced to fight in the American Civil War. Informers are disguised as scarecrows are watching the town closely. After Number Six recovers he helps to care for three orphaned children He tells them a story which is
key to helping them save the town. With the help of the Scarecrows and Mrs. King and the children of the corn, the war is won and they decide to celebrate by holding a village cricket match in a cornfield.
Neil Buchanan as the New Number Two holds an art contest for the Village. Number Six grabs several random items from the Village Store. Two thousand units can get you a lot, and places them on the beach in an array that displays a subliminal message that can be seen from air disguised as some modern art.
abstract, I've entitled it Escape. It means what it is." declares Number
Six. "This is.this
is.this is.crap" replies Number Two. He summons for help a couple of Villagers
who show up in a mini-moke and rake away the debris. "Creation
out of destruction?" adds Number Six. He smiles quietly, knowing full well
that by now. a few dozen satellite shots have been taken of it by now and enough
help should be
well on the way for him to escape. Oh wait, the films in those skycams were destroyed in Ice Station Zebra. Blast It!
Inspired by Andrew's articles, TUW reader A. Fairlie has also come up with some ideas:
In an attempt to break No 6, No 2 uses a radical technique... An attempt is made to convince No 6 that far from being in 'The Villgage' c 1968, he is in fact a malfunctioning Andorid in the far future.
"No'2's Big Brother"
No 6 particpates in a socialogical experiment, a group of Village residents awake to find themsleves in a deserted house. One room in the house supposedly lets the residents tell their thoughts......
No 6 awakes
to find a film crew in the village, but when the director yells 'Cut..!' discovers
that the Village is no more than a 'film' set. No 6 is also suprised to find
he's the star of a show called 'The Prisoner' and that others want to know all
about why his character resigned....... (Given the nature of Prisoner storylines,
I am surprised that the Village as a 'film' set idea hasn't been used before)...
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